Do you ever look back at old pictures and think: Who are they? Who is that girl who used to laugh at anything and everything? Who is that girl with no worries and no fears just drifting through life? Who is that girl who is so brave and beautiful?
What made that girl so confident? What made her so happy? What made her want to have all eyes on her and be the center of attention? What made her feel so alive?
When did I stop being that girl? When did I lose that feeling of freedom? When did I realize that I wasn’t her any longer? When did my friends realize–have they realized– that I am a different girl?
Where did I go wrong? Where did I go right? Where did I learn the lessons that made me who I am now? Where did I become who I am now? Where was the place that I made this subtle change that changed my life completely?
Why did I let it happen? Why am I so scared and anxious? Why do I care so much less now? Why do I yearn for this girl who is so far from who I am and who I want to be? Why did I let that affect me? Why did I let them affect me? Why am I who I am now?
How do I become her again? How do I become this girl when I have grown and changed so much? How do I become this girl who was so confident, yet so insecure? How do I become this girl who laughed so much, but was much less happier than she appeared? How do I let myself go back to that place when I am so much happier with who I am now?
Taylor Swift has a song lyric that has always and forever resonated with me. She says in her song All Too Well, “I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.”
I really don’t know who she is anymore. Not Taylor Swift, but me. I don’t know who that girl I used to be is. She seems so far from me. While I still hold her close to me, I don’t know if I want her with me anymore. She may have been so many beautiful things, but there was always something wrong with her. And to be honest, I truly do like who I am now a lot more. She is so hard to say goodbye to, because I truly love her, but she needs to be out of my life.
SORRY OMG! That was so deep, like way too deep, but like I needed to vent and DD said I should write again so I did and this is what came out. Last night was one of those introspective nights where you rethink your whole life and who’s in it. I’ve been feeling not like myself lately and I’m starting to realize that may be a good thing.
your favorite (not-so) people person,