Who Is She???

Do you ever look back at old pictures and think: Who are they? Who is that girl who used to laugh at anything and everything? Who is that girl with no worries and no fears just drifting through life? Who is that girl who is so brave and beautiful?

What made that girl so confident? What made her so happy? What made her want to have all eyes on her and be the center of attention? What made her feel so alive?

When did I stop being that girl? When did I lose that feeling of freedom? When did I  realize that I wasn’t her any longer? When did my friends realize–have they realized– that I am a different girl?

Where did I go wrong? Where did I go right? Where did I learn the lessons that made me who I am now? Where did I become who I am now? Where was the place that I made this subtle change that changed my life completely?

Why did I let it happen? Why am I so scared and anxious? Why do I care so much less now? Why do I yearn for this girl who is so far from who I am and who I want to be? Why did I let that affect me? Why did I let them affect me? Why am I who I am now?

How do I become her again? How do I become this girl when I have grown and changed so much? How do I become this girl who was so confident, yet so insecure? How do I become this girl who laughed so much, but was much less happier than she appeared? How do I let myself go back to that place when I am so much happier with who I am now?

Taylor Swift has a song lyric that has always and forever resonated with me. She says in her song All Too Well, “I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.”

I really don’t know who she is anymore. Not Taylor Swift, but me. I don’t know who that girl I used to be is. She seems so far from me. While I still hold her close to me, I don’t know if I want her with me anymore. She may have been so many beautiful things, but there was always something wrong with her. And to be honest, I truly do like who I am now a lot more. She is so hard to say goodbye to, because I truly love her, but she needs to be out of my life.

 

SORRY OMG! That was so deep, like way too deep, but like I needed to vent and DD said I should write again so I did and this is what came out. Last night was one of those introspective nights where you rethink your whole life and who’s in it. I’ve been feeling not like myself lately and I’m starting to realize that may be a good thing.

your favorite (not-so) people person,

Nandi

Advertisements

This Event Shaped My Life?

Don’t you just love clickbait titles! This one is pretty tame seeing as this post will actually be about an event that shaped my life. In case you haven’t read my latest blog, which you should go do, in the upcoming weeks I will write about five events that made me the person I am today. Sorry it’s late, I’ve been busy yada yada, let’s get to it.

Event #2: Getting Braces

Omg yes, these perfect teeth did not just appear out of nowhere. I had braces for a pretty average amount of time, 1 year and 11 months. I like to say that and not two years because it makes me feel cooler. The years one has braces are admittedly some of the worst years ever, but I can only be grateful for that unbearable 1 year and 11 months.

In an earlier post-titled For Kass pt. 1 (I forgot everything she asked me about so there was no part 2)-I talk about my favorite part about myself: MY SMILE (there’s also a whole nother post about smiling, I Wanna See You Smile). Braces literally gave me such an amazing confidence booster in those regrettably awkward teen years I barely survived through. I remember writing in my diary about how I became beautiful once they were finally taken off. I figured I’d get a boyfriend promptly once they were gone-boy was I wrong. Of course I’ve battled with much more insecurity over the years, but braces granted me my first brief glimpse at self-love.  And a tumblr url… nsperfectteeth.

What was I thinking?

Yay! Event #2. Not the most spectacular of occurrences, but a very significant one to me. Shoutout to Dr. Long for fixing up my pearly whites,

your favorite people person

 

Um… hey?

Hey, what’s up? How’s it going? Me? Oh, yeah, I’ve been great.

Alright, alright. I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long, but let me tell you right now college is a doozy and it’s hard to find time to even breathe let alone write. I recently turned 19, so I’ve decided to revive this url and give the people what they want. Or to finally give into my desire of sharing too many of my thoughts and feelings with everyone. You choose.

I’ve been trying to come up with something to talk about for forever. I was going to write about college. How I love my new friends, how I miss my old friends, how my mom became my best friend, how my dog sleeps in my bed every night now that I’m gone, how I text my dad on a regular basis now, how I found out that I’m the purest form of an introverted extrovert, how I became a vegan/vegetarian. And, I mean, if you want me to talk about these things please tell me, but today I’m going to talk about the five “events” that shaped my life. This topic didn’t come out of the blue, it was actually a project for my RA class. Oh yeah, I’m becoming an RA.

  1. Scraping my knees on my first day of preschool.     I’ve always been a huge nerd. I got too excited and the clumsy girl that I was, and still am, tripped in the driveway and created to gaping holes in her knees. I was also four, so they were probably just scratches. My dad fixed me up and on that day he became my best friend. A fleeting friendship that wouldn’t last through puberty, but a friendship nonetheless. I also gave up on being perfect that day. My body was officially scarred. I truly believe that day was a catalyst for the many scrapes, bruises, cuts, and gashes to come. I’m sorry mom and dad for being such a nuisance, but it was your genes that made me tall and lanky, so whose fault is it really?

This was number 1. I’m going to span these over five weeks because, thanks to the fast pace of our generation, no one would be able to sit through me explaining all five.

Man, I forgot how fun this was.

I’m back ;-),

your favorite people person

Summer

Hey, long time no talk. Before you get all mad, here me out! Ya girl has been busy!!! Actually ya girl will remain busy throughout the entire summer, but my leave of absence was very temporary and I promise to keep posting on here. In the first three weeks of summer I have learned a lot about myself. Like for instance, I may not hate children as much as I used to. Or, I’m not the pushover I used to be. I can be rebellious when necessary. I stay cool under pressure. I really value my alone time, more than I thought I did. I will go to great lengths to make those I love happy. Fulfilling childhood dreams is awesome *thanks ankle bracelets*. My short temper can be easily relieved. There are more things I have learned, but the biggest one is that I don’t want to be who I’ve been before. I want to treasure all of the relationships in my life. I want to stay in contact with my friends, no matter if I hate texting or not. I want to pursue what makes ME happy, not my parents. I want to stay happy and positive. I want to not care what others think about me. I want to stop caring about how society wants me to look or act. I want to be free and independent. This summer may just be beginning, but I feel as if something amazing awaits.
Three weeks down, six more to go.
-your favorite people person is back

Talent

So last week I went to my school’s chorus concert and, may I just say, it was epic. I was honestly blown away. I really can’t even believe that I know people that are that amazingly talented. Shoutout to Lane, Claire, Julia, and DD you guys actually made me cry multiple times.

I’ve never really been the type of person to have one certain thing that makes them special. I’m an average dancer and singer. I was an artist, and I guess you can never lose a skill, but art isn’t really a talent you can show off on the spot. I tried gymnastics for awhile and was decently okay, but then I grew. I always felt like I never really had anything that made me worthy of some sort of praise.

I’ve always loved writing, though. I don’t know if I’m actually good at it, but I know that it’s something I never want to stop doing. As a kid I would write poem after poem, song after song, book after book. I don’t know what qualifies someone to be able to say they’re a writer, but I kind of want that to be my thing. There are so many other amazing talents that are way cooler than writing, but I’m seriously so happy that God chose this to be my “thing.” I’m also seriously happy that God chose you to read this because I wouldn’t have figured this out without you.

-your favorite people person

Music again???

Yesterday I revisited old songs that used to be my favorites when I was younger. I realized that no matter how old I become, there are some songs I will never forget all the words to. There are some artists that I will never stop loving. There are so many moments associated with the music that shaped my life through all my years. Nights where I lived spontaneously, danced all night, had the time of my life and music was what made those moments so unforgettable. I know I talk about music pretty frequently, but there is just something about it that makes me feel alive. Moments when you find clarity, feel emotions you’ve never felt like falling in love, or having your heart broken. The music surrounds you, eliciting so many conflicting emotions. Swirling around inside of your head as you laugh, cry, scream. Music is actually therapy, believe it or not. Whole generations are defined by the music they listen to. Our generation, though? I don’t know if we can fit into one certain music genre. Now there are many different genres for the many different people our generation holds. I think it’s pretty beautiful how each of us find some genre of music to help us define ourselves. We are alternative, we are pop, we are rap, we are country. We are a generation with an unusual connection to the music that we love. And I couldn’t be happier that I have ears that can hear the beautiful symphonies that make me who I am. Thanks to all the people who are making music, aspire to make music, or who just love to support the artists and listen to it.

-your favorite people person who wishes she could sing

Down In The Dumps

Besides today, this week has been pretty terrible. I won’t go into the sad details, but yeah, it was pretty bad. Through all the bad things, I began to question everything. At the beginning of the year, I told myself that this was my year. This whole week I started to believe that I was wrong. I doubted myself and my abilities. I worried so much. But you know what I did? I talked about my feelings. I just had a moment with one of my favorite teachers and let it out. I didn’t bottle up the sadness, or wallow. I talked to someone who I knew would understand and be able to help me. Sometimes your friends can’t be this person for you. Sometimes you need to talk to someone who’s experienced so much more than you have. All the bad things that happen work towards something good. Today I got into my dream school. If everything in life, the good and the bad, happened any differently this wouldn’t have come to be. I know something good had to happen for me to realize this, but don’t take as long to discover this amazing fact of life. Everything bad leads to something good. When you’re in the sad moments of your life, don’t be down in the dumps like I was. Try and find the positives. The worst day of my week the sun was shining and it was 80 degrees. Find something good in the bad, and something good will come of it.

-your favorite people person